RODNEY DANGERFIELD. . .

. . .oh so funny.  Famous for his overused line, "I can't get no respect," he was a comedian who appeared on the Tonight Show 70 times.  Rodney starred along side Bill Murray and Chevy Chase in "Caddyshack," and released his first comedy album,"No Respect," in 1980, which went on to a win a Grammy that same year.  Rodney's autobiography, "It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs," was published in 2004, and documented his fast-paced life and heart-related surgeries.  Rodney Dangerfield died on October 6, 2004, but his words still live on to make people laugh.

   



A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid.  One day I fell asleep in the library.  When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. 

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown tie.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'